I remember back a very short time ago, December 24th 2014. I checked in with my "25 Days of Fitmas" group to post our ending stats. I proudly posted my 208 lbs weight with the associated measurements (I was nursing a shoulder injury and doing mostly cardio based programs like T25), and I was quite happy going into the holidays being that lean. All of the challengers also did a great job that month keeping the weight off during a statistically difficult time to do so.
Santa must have been listening when I asked for 2 programs for Christmas. I received Les Mills Combat an MMA inspired cardio and fat blasting program. I also received Body Beast. I have wanted this program ever since it was made available in 2012. This program is designed to help you gain muscle, serious muscle, IF you follow the program.
Like every month before I shared my goals with my monthly challengers, my goal being that I was starting Body Beast on January 12th AND I have the lofty goal of submitting such amazing results, that I can get into the infomercial casting call in June.
I have given 110% to each and every workout. Muscles I never knew existed are sore every day. I am so lucky to have a gym partner that pushes me daily to be better than I was the day before. I can't stress enough how well the program works to put on muscle.
And then it was time to follow the diet........
I struggled in the first month to hit the calorie goal with the "right" kind of calories. I also seemed to give myself permission to stray from the plan to hit my calorie goal. Stating that I was "bulking" made it OK to eat crap food. When you put garbage in, you get garbage out......
Instead of having jaw dropping results, I now weigh 232 lbs (a weight I have not seen since Jan. 2nd 2012). I wish I could say it is all muscle gain, but it is not. I didn't follow the program, and I have paid the price.
For me this is so much more than just not following a process. This is my life cycle. I started to gain weight around 9 years old, after my parents divorce. This continued roughly until I hit my 20's.
My 20's I managed to stay somewhat fit by taking all the wrong "supplements" and trying to look like a WWE wrestler.
I turned 30 and hit 305 lbs and yo-yo dieted from 280-300lbs for the next 7 years.
I took my life back after that, if you have followed this blog ya'll know the story, if not check out my first post about my transformation.
And now at 41, I worry that not following the program has set me on a path of self destruction again. The feelings of embarrassment with how I have let myself go are back. The feeling that I am a fraud to all of you that were inspired by my story. The feeling of disappointment in myself......
I write this not to get pity or to hear that "It will be OK". I write this to cleanse the negative vibe from my mind. I write this to vent my frustrations with myself.
Most importantly, I write this for those of you that struggle every day.
I struggle every single day with controlling my weight and my eating habits. I will struggle every day of my life with this. I will have more good days than bad. I will overcome this......
If this story hit home with you, or you know someone that has the same troubles, please share my story. I am always looking to help people in their journey.
Why struggle alone when you can have support along the way?
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